Parenting is not a competition
SOMEONE else’s kids are almost always going to be faster, cleverer, more popular, better behaved than yours but seriously does it really matter?
Pretty much every class has those pesky children who are good at everything and take out every award, every year. What’s worse are those who, along with their shiny parents, are genuinely, award-winningly nice as well.
(Let’s be honest, it’s way more satisfying when these super duper overachievers are eye-rollingly annoying and smug and nothing like “normal people”).
But still, why do we care so much about what other people’s kids are achieving — and it starts way before they even head to school.
Incredibly, this week we heard some mothers are using the sleeping habits of their newborns to position themselves as superior in the parenting stakes.
Yes really, this is reportedly happening, as outlandish as it seems. Paediatric Sleep Clinic director Sarah Blunden told The Advertiser’s medical reporter, Brad Crouch, the trend is even causing panicky parents to fret over “normal” baby sleep patterns and sparking “mummy wars” in mothers’ groups across the nation with fiercely proud mums of soundly-sleeping bubs proudly wearing their little sweetheart’s hours-long slumber as a badge of honour.
(Apparently, it’s evidence of their impeccable mothering skills while those mums whose babies aren’t so keen on some shut-eye are doing something wrong.)
It’d be kind of funny in its absurdity if it wasn’t actually really happening. For a society that is seemingly so advanced, I really wonder at our intelligence at times.
Babies are individuals, after all — each one is different and that’s what makes them so wonderful and special.
I had one who did everything he was supposed to do — sleeping four hours straight from the moment he arrived home from hospital.
My next was a delightfully happy little specimen but refused to sleep for longer than 90 minutes at a time — and that was for the first 15 months of his life.
Ten years on, he continues to be a vastly different child to his big brother, dancing to his own tune. Relaxed and laid-back while his sibling is the polar opposite.
Like all children, each has their strengths and challenges. As parents, our focus should be on simply nurturing our kids, celebrating what they’re good at, helping them work through what doesn’t come easily to them, and reminding them of what is right and wrong. Not everyone can be — or will want to be — top of the class or football captain.
One of my boys took a while to grow into his sporting prowess. In his early years of primary school, he was the player the coach always gave to the opposition when it was short.
While other parents would applaud their kids’ double figure goalscoring tally, I’d wildly and excitedly cheer if my lad so much as touched the ball.
He’s now developed his co-ordination and skills and can hold his own on any sportsground but I am no prouder of him now than I was then.
I think, as parents, too often we fixate on success and failure — our own and our kids — rather than just living in the moment and enjoying life’s little wins (for some of us, that’s the day our child comes home from school and hasn’t been in trouble). Intuitive parenting specialist Jodie Benveniste agrees, telling me she believes parents spend too much time and energy comparing their kids to other people’s — and not just those we know, but the children of celebrities we might follow on social media. Jodie says it is setting unrealistic expectations and putting unnecessary pressure in homes to achieve the “perfect family”.
It’s time we stopped focusing on the outward signs of success — such as the car we drive, the suburb we live in, the reader level our child is up to — and focused instead on building relationships and connections with our kids, and doing what feels “right” for us and our family, she says.
Sound advice. I too think we’d be better off simply ensuring our kids are happy, safe and content while encouraging them to be the best little people they can be.
